


daisies

by scintillatingstars



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23243767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scintillatingstars/pseuds/scintillatingstars
Summary: A tale narrating how Aman grew to hate his favourite flowers.OrAn excuse to write a Karman AU on occasion of one month anniversary of SMZS.
Relationships: Kartik Singh & Aman Tripathi
Comments: 15
Kudos: 24





	daisies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dhyanshiva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhyanshiva/gifts).



> Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease where the victim of unrequited love starts coughing up petals of their love's favourite flower. They can get rid of it by a transplant which would remove the flowers but they'll forget everything related to their love. Or if the other person falls in love with them (feelings have to be of pure love, not friendship).
> 
> If the victim doesn't choose either, they eventually suffocate to death.

Kartik has known Aman since they were five. Kartik remembers how Aman was a reserved and shy kid. He would hesitate to speak and the obnoxious children took advantage of Aman's timidity, they would snatch his crayons, tear his drawings.

Kartik vividly reminisces finding a weeping Aman in the playground. He had tripped and fell and didn't know what to do. Kartik had offered him a hand, helped him to the infirmary and even gave Aman his favourite toffee to console him.

It didn't take much time for Aman to grow comfortable around Kartik. They became great friends and their bond strengthened each passing year.

Aman didn't change much. He was still timid and meek in the eyes of others but only Kartik knew about all his secrets. Aman was an ideal student, got great grades, was well behaved.

On the other hand, Kartik was just average in academics but excelled in sports. Though not many considered an achievement in sports an actual achievement, Aman always admired his athletic spirit. Teachers labelled Kartik as 'insolent', it isn't his fault that he's brutally honest and blunt, is it?

Everyone thought Kartik was a bad influence on Aman, they kept advising Aman to stay away from Kartik but only Aman and Kartik knew that actually it's the other way around.

They were inseparable. Despite being in different sections, they always found time for each other.

Kartik remembers everything: Aman helping him cheat in exams; him bunking classes with a reluctant Aman; them going to have ice cream every day after tuitions; Aman dragging him to garden forcedly to satisfy his weird obsession with flowers; him finishing Aman's lunch even before recess; Aman almost failing French exam as he assured a stressed Aman, 'French hi toh hai yarr. Main subject bhi nhi hai.'

(It's just French. It's not even a main subject.)

Aman has been their almost all his life. And yes, it was not just a path of roses. It was not just sweet, it was sour sometimes and even left a bitter taste in his mouth.

They had fought, screamed, even hit each other. But they always reconciled, realized they can't live without each other. Kartik can't put finger on one fight that ended with an apology. They never apologized, the unsaid 'sorry' was felt, the remorse and yearning in their eyes were seen, it was a mutual connection. It never needed words.

But the memory he cherishes the most plays in his head and Kartik feels a smile grow on his lips.

Unlike other boys, he didn't find Madhuri Dixit attractive, Aishwarya Rai's astonishing beauty didn't make him feel things but Shahrukh Khan did make him go and watch every single movie of his in theatres.

Kartik didn't understand it, it didn't make any sense.

When they were in eighth grade, a new girl came to the class. Aman avoided her like plague. At first, Kartik thought Aman doesn't like her but he then he saw Aman staring at her all the time. He saw Aman blushing when she sat next to him. He saw Aman helping her with homework when he hasn't finished his own.

It was obvious Aman had a crush on her. But what didn't get through his head was why did he detest that girl so much. Why did his chest scorch at thought of them being together.

Kartik though it was just because he wanted Aman to pay attention to him. But for them, he realized he knows Aman stares at her all the time because he stares at Aman all the time. He realized he craved spending time with Aman and does everything to ensure they are undisturbed. He realized the increasing pace of heartbeats everytime Aman looks at him. He realized it was Aman who gave him sleepless nights. He realized he was gay, and he has a crush on Aman, his best friend.

Kartik didn't know if his feelings were normal. He never saw two guys together. It was always Romeo and Juliet, Heer and Ranjha, Sahiba and Mirza, Raj and Simran.

Kartik thought then how can he make his hypothalamus understand that Aman is a boy and so is he.

Kartik thought then how can feelings as pure as affection be weighed on the balance of validity or normality.

He grew confident of his feelings, assured in his identity. He told Aman everything but he didn't dare to tell Aman this.

Not that he didn't trust Aman. He trusted Aman with everything, even his life but the fear, the insecurity of not being accepted never ceased to linger in depths of his heart.

They were sitting in the garden one day, Aman sat running his hand through daisies. Out of all the flowers, Aman loved daisies differently, dearly. He always said they are exquisitely beautiful despite being so simple. Aman said their beauty lied in the plain white petals around the yellow speck. Rendition of sheer simplicity.

Kartik had said then," I wanted to tell you something..."

Aman hummed indicating he was hearing.

Kartik had clenched his fists. His palms were sweaty. He had practised a few lines but he couldn't seem to form even a lucid thought.

"Kya? Bol na," Aman had said, patiently waiting.

(What? Say it.)

Kartik had shut his eyes tight, took in a deep breath and uttered as quickly as possible, " I am gay."

He didn't dare to open his eyes but when silence took over he slowly opened his eyes.

He found Aman staring at him, looking confused.

"Itni si baat bolne ke liye darr raha tha? Mujhe lga pata nhi kya kar diya," Aman scoffs.

(You were afraid of say such a small thing? I thought you did something terrible.)

"Itni si baat?" Kartik whispered.

(Just a small thing?)

"Itni si toh hai. Bas sexual orientation hai na. Tu thodi badla hai. Same hi toh hai. Mera Kartik," Aman says, smiling.

(It's just your sexual orientation. You didn't change, know? You're still the same. My Kartik.)

Kartik had tightly gathered Aman in a tight embrace who whined something about his ribs hurting.

Kartik gathered enough courage to confess a part. The other was still unsaid. Afraid he'll ruin this adorable friendship, Kartik kept it a secret.

Aman started seeing a girl in tenth grade. She was really pretty and smart. Kartik's crush on Aman was not helping. Kartik had thoughts he'll get over it after some time. Oh, how mistaken was he. He didn't seem to get over it. His crush just grew each moment they spend together.

At this point, Kartik feels Aman is either really thick headed and oblivious or he's pretending he doesn't know.

Aman's girlfriend is called Isha. She's very talkative and outgoing. Often tries to talk to Kartik but he just dismisses the conversation quickly.

He's really sweet and all but she gets on Kartik's nerves and he can't bear her presence for more than a minute.

So, one day he snapped and asked her to stay away from him.

"Kya problem hai teri?" Aman had asked him, annoyed.

(What's your problem?)

"I just can't tolerate her. And what's it to you? You go spend time with her. Why are you even bothered about me," He tells Aman, vengefully.

"She's my girlfriend, of course, I have to spend time with her," Aman justifies.

"That's the whole problem," Kartik says under his breath but Aman catches it.

"So what do you want? Me to break up with her," Aman flared.

"Yes," Kartik spites back.

"Give me a good reason, then. I don't know what's wrong with you, Kartik," Aman screams.

"What's wrong with me. Everything is wrong with me. I fucking can't bear to see you with her. I hate it when you aren't with me. I can't stop thinking about you, thinking about holding hands with you, kissing you, loving you," Kartik breathed out, rashly.

And that was the moment he realized he fucked up.

Aman looked shocked. There was no malice in his expression, just shock and confusion.

"Kartik, I-," Aman tried to say something but he struggled poorly.

"Look, I really like you, but just as a friend, Kartik, nothing more," Aman had said.

Oh how many hearts have this line broke.

"I hope this changes nothing between us. We're still friends, right?"

Kartik had nodded.

Inside he laughed bitterly. So easy to say it changed nothing, so difficult to live with changes that you refused to acknowledge.

Kartik distanced himself from Aman. They talked little. Aman too distanced himself from Isha when Kartik was around as well. Kartik appreciated the effort.

But his longing for Aman just intensified.

Kartik is collecting all these memories. They are like souvenirs he'd never able to take along further.

Kartik is dying.

To live he has to leave these cossetted traces behind.

Kartik remembers having issues breathing. He easily started becoming short of breath. Once while taking laps around the ground, he started panting, his eyes blurred, black and white dots graced his vision. He just left a hand quickly wrapping around his waist before the world fell dark.

Kartik had ignored and shrugged off the issue. Until one night, like any other night, he was having issues sleeping. He started coughing, he brought his hand to cover his mouth only to observe it was covered in dark, maroon liquid.

His chest ached, lungs burned, he fell short of breath and coughed even more.   
He coughed again, his neck strained, he brought his hand to his mouth only to find a daisy.

A daisy laced in dark red tints of blood, his blood. It was strikingly beautiful. The way his blood contrasted Aman's daisies.

His eyes were burning, his knees gave up and he fell. Coughing up even more blood. His mother probably heard his muffled cries and choked sobs. She rushed up only to find her son covered in blood splashed daisies.

They had went to doctor.

Hanahaki disease, he had diagnosed.

Kartik was given two choices; to either go for a transplant and get daisies removed surgically removed from his lungs but it'll make him forget everything about the one who loved these daisies or to make the one who loves these daisies fall in love with him.

Kartik had laughed at the paradoxical predicament. He didn't want to forget Aman; Aman whom he had loved so dearly enough to grow flowers in his lungs, Aman whom he was ready to give entire world to. And then he couldn't make Aman fall in love with him.

Kyuki pyaar kiya nahi jata, ho jata hai.

(Because love can't be done, it happens.)

He had cried miserably in his mother's embrace all night. But she, perhaps, cried more than he did.

What must be going through the heart of a mother who's looking at her soon knowing his life is at stake.

His mother had insisted about talking to Aman. He refused.

He's in a dilemma. He can't resolve it. Can't forget Aman. Can't make him falk in love with him.

Kartik didn't go to school for weeks. The condition only became worse. The flowers grew inside his lungs rapidly, he coughed up blood and daisies more frequently. He has to make a decision before it becomes too late. He has to make a decision before these pretty flowers snatch away his breathing capacity. He has to make a decision before he suffocates to death.

Aman had visited him at home. His mother informed him as Kartik stubbornly still refused to meet him. He watches his  
mother's eyes lingering with resent at Aman's mere name now. She had loved him like her own son. She feels betrayed.

Oh how badly he wants to tell her it wasn't Aman's fault. But the demons inside him scream back, 'Is it not?'

It might be but then he's at greater fault for loving someone who won't ever return his feelings.

Aman had sneaked into the room, desperately wanting to meet Kartik.

He had found Kartik, on the bed, just staring at the ceiling in despair.

He had blood on his shirt, blood and petals. White petals with tints of pink.

It hadn't taken him long to realize what is it. He had reached for Kartik, his hands trembling. He had touched his cheek.

Kartik had looked on, his fingers intertwined with Aman's. There were no words, just Aman's wet eyes meeting Kartik's yearning ones.

"You love me so much," Aman had whispered, Kartik can hear the remorse in his voice.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Aman had cried in his arms. They had never apologized to each other.

Kartik had felt his soul being ripped apart. Perhaps, it takes flowers growing in your lungs to lay the testimony of your love.

Unrequited.

Kartik hadn't wanted to meet Aman because he knew Aman would feel this way, guilty, remorseful.

Remorseful because he couldn't love Kartik the way Kartik does.

Kartik has wiped tears off Aman's cheeks like the day he did when he found Aman crying in the playground.

"You're going to get surgery," Aman had declared, Kartik doesn't know how much strength must have been taken for Aman to say this, knowing that Kartik will forget Aman forever.

Kartik had shaken his head, too tired to speak.

"I can't forget you," Kartik had croaked in a hoarse voice.

"These memories Kartik, they are so many, we can form them again, but you. I've only one Kartik, I can't lose him, I can't lose him," Aman's voice had cracked.

"I'll never forgive myself, I'd never forgotten. You can't do this to me," Aman had sobbed out.

Kartik had wanted to comment on how pathetic Aman looked. Tears flowing down his cheek, his eyes hysterical, his whole body trembling.

It shattered Kartik's heart in millions of pieces. He knew Aman would always regret. Live with pieces of Kartik's broken heart pierced in his chest. His sacrifice would mean nothing, it'll be worthless.

So, here is Kartik sitting in the hospital bed, ready for surgery. Aman is right there, standing beside him in hospital clothes.

He has dark circles under his eyes, Aman had not slept peacefully even one night. Aman is holding his hand tightly, giving it reassuring tight squeezes.

Kartik just gives him a tight smile. Aman returns the smile but only Kartik can see hurt lacing that smile.

Aman is a warrior who chose to take the blow. Kartik will forget. Forget this pain of unrequited feelings. Forget this anguish.

But Aman is going to live it till eternity. Live with the fact his best friend won't really be his.

Aman hates daisies now. He hates even thought of them because every time he thinks of them their white petals have red specks on them. It reminds him of the cruel reality he lives in every day.

Aman is a candle, he incandesces himself to illuminate Kartik's life that almost extinguished by harsh winds of complicated love.

_Yeh ishq nahi asaan_  
_bas itna samajh lijiye._  
_Ek aag ka daariyan hai_  
_aur doob ke jaana hai._

(Love isn't easy,  
Just understand that.  
It's a river of fire,  
And you have to swim through it.)


End file.
